


Are you calling me a sinner

by echo (kookie17)



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Projecting, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, maybe smut, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:40:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29006940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kookie17/pseuds/echo
Summary: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY ME PROJECTING ALL MY RELIGIOUS TRAUMA AND BASICALLY MY ENTIRE SEXUALITY STRUGGLE LMAO UM IDEK WHAT THIS IS BUT ITS ME COPING..Basically Sana is dealing with her sexuality crisis at an all girls catholic school. lots of religious conflict and guilt. idk. enjoy i guess?(im writing this with no planning and just writing what i feel sooooo)
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 37
Kudos: 19





	1. Guilt trip

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AgustD_Fanatic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgustD_Fanatic/gifts), [laptopjoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laptopjoon/gifts).



“7 hail mary’s, 3 our fathers, and a good deed..” The priest droned on as Sana stared down at her fingers twisting and pulling on her rings, just grudgingly waiting for this to be over so she could return to class. Confession always made Sana feel like this guilty, nervous mess and she was—As she tuned back in, she saw Father Bob initiating the sign of the cross and immediately raised her hand to join him and they repeated “in the name of the father son and holy spirit” together. And finally, he dismissed her to go back to her Scripture class. 

She walked out of there with this heavy feeling of guilt. 

Shouldn’t she feel lighter after confessing all her sins and praying with the priest? I thought that was the whole point of confession was to be forgiven and start anew. If so, then why did she feel worse than she felt walking into the chapel. 

While she was contemplating her mix of emotions, she almost stumbled into Yoo jeongyeon, who just so happened to be the only openly gay girl in their entire class of 175. Jeongyeon was everything Sana was not. She had the typical choppy shoulder length haircut that every bisexual girl had if you knew anything about the lgbtq+ community, a nice soft smile, and was a good 6 inches taller than Sana. It seems that Jeongyeon had no problem with expressing her sexuality as she was wearing a nice pair of black doc marten with her plaid uniform skirt and if you looked close enough you could see her pride pin stuck to the bottom right flap of her skirt.  
Sana was jealous of the way jeongyeon could just walk around the school not caring what anyone thought.  
Wait a minute. What exactly was she jealous of ? Her style? Or was it ..

She pushed that thought away as quick as it had came and apologized finally to jeongyeon as she hurried off back to Ms Dout’s class. But before she could open the door to the classroom, her best friend Nayeon walked out and grabbed her arm and pulled her into the bathroom. This wasn’t unusual for Nayeon to sneak them off to somewhere to tell her the latest gossip, but Sana had already dealt with a lot for the day and it was only 8:50 in the morning and she still had one more 20 minute mod of her class left. She followed Nayeon and tapped her foot impatiently as Nayeon explained how when she had talked to the priest she made up all these lies to tell him to make him uncomfortable. Nayeon wasn’t Catholic and hadn’t been for the past year after making the decision to leave the Church when they started expressing their homophobic, xenophobic views too often. Sana’s nerves about missing anymore class got the best of her and she told Nayeon she had to get back to class and abruptly left and opened the door quietly so as not to bring attention to herself. And hurriedly walked to her sit at the far side of the room.  
Eventually everyone had come back from confession, and Ms. Dout started her usual speech about cleansing your sins and being reborn and all the other bullshit she spews. Sana had grew tired of ms. Dout by the second day of school after she had started going on about her blatantly obvious Republican views and bringing up politics even thought she clearly was not supposed to. Countless times throughout the semester, Sana felt uncomfortable in her class with some of the things Ms. Dout expressed. She was also just a bitch. She couldn’t even think about the idea that a student could be right or have their own opinion. The whole class just gave Sana nerves and made her incredibly anxious the whole day. BRRRRRRP. 

God, finally this class was over and Sana could go get her lunch from her locker. Sana was a bit of a loser and didn’t have many friends and had a lot of trouble making them. It was like her options were stuck up snobby republicans or party girls or uber catholic bitches.  
So she mainly stuck to Nayeon and Jihyo, her two best friends in the whole world. Nayeon happened to be a person who was not afraid to be herself and also didn’t give a fuck about the Catholic church. Jihyo was more like Sana and was still finding herself and wasn’t completely distanced from the church. Jihyo and her had been best friends since birth, Nayeon and Sana had their ups and downs but ultimately settled their differences and were back to normal, no. better than normal. They told each other everything, except one thing Sana shared with no one. 

Before she could think about it anymore, she was at her locker and like usual, Jihyo and Nayeon were waiting by her locker for her. More than anything she was grateful to have them here at this hell of a school. They ate lunch and talked about their usual homework talk. 

Once lunch was over, it was the dreaded school mass. Sana had to remind herself she was still Catholic, so she should not feel this way about mass, but the way mass made her feel was just, ugh. Something about the preachiness of the Priests and the conformity it enforced just made her feel like she didn’t belong. Something just didn’t feel right. It was like, the church knew something she didn’t.


	2. Its normal right?

The day had felt so long, and Sana was beyond ready to get home. She waited by the doors for her dad to come pick her up.   
****  
It felt like forever since she had been home. She was exhausted from the day, and it left her feeling guilty and weird. But as usual, she found ways to distract herself from her thoughts at home and spent her time filled with doing things to avoid thinking about whatever might pop in her head. 

Occasionally questions popped up in her head and she didn’t have time to rid them. Like today at mass when she had dozed off, she caught herself.. staring straight at the back of Momo’s skirt and per usual, she dismissed it as her not paying attention. But this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened and had Sana thinking twice about her actions. 

She thought back to freshman year when she was still a hopeful 14 year old who thought she would find amazing friends. And of course, its not like she would choose who she wanted to befriend by if they were pretty… but even if she did, that of course was a totally.. normal thing to do right? Like of course everyone gets nervous making new friends and super anxious around the pretty girls, right? 

Like obviously she wasn’t gay, she would know if she was. It had to be anxiety. Whatever, these things meant nothing to her and would never mean anything if she just pretended they didn’t exist. 

That’s what she would do. Avoid these thoughts at all costs. Then they wouldn’t matter. They were just thoughts. As long as she didn’t act on it. 

Being a 16 year old now, these thoughts didn’t just arise as she hit high school. Nor was this the first time she had a sexuality crisis if you wanna call it that. 

Sana had been raised catholic her entire life and went to catholic school since she was 6. She grew up hearing about the church’s rules and was well aware that a man marries a woman. That’s just how it goes. 

Homosexuality was a sin. Period. One can absolutely avoid their homosexual instincts by simply to choosing to act on them and praying for God’s intervention… Right?

Though Sana was dealing with a lot of questions about religion, she prayed nightly. One prayer she never said out loud and kept to herself. It had been a part of her prayers for the past couple years. Ever since that time in 6th grade. 

She didn’t even know what led her to even think about this, but as she was falling asleep, she remembered the time she brought up to her mom how she thought she was depressed. She kept thinking about she wanted to die if she was gay. 

She went to therapy. Thought the therapist was useless and just had her fill out a happiness journal weekly. This furthered her repression of these “urges”. 

Nobody bothered to tell her it was okay for her to think girls were pretty. So here was a 16 year old still forced to push these thoughts down. Maybe this was why she felt so uncomfortable with the priest and in mass and in scripture class. 

Maybe it was because of the teaching she had been indoctrinated with. From the age of 12 she had been taught that being gay was a sin. She vividly recalls the time in religion class where she was grateful the teacher called out homosexuality as a bad thing. 

The internalized homophobia was so strong, that for a good few years she even pushed it onto others. She regrets being that way to people. She only repeated what she had been taught. 

Finally, after going through all her religious trauma she able to sleep soundly.


	3. ?

When she woke up, she still felt exhausted as she always did. This time it felt different because it was more an emotional exhaustion. But she got ready as usual and headed off to school.

She found Jihyo and Nayeon sitting in the hallway like usual. When she walked up to them, she heard Nayeon explaining how her and Jeongyeon ended up being lab partners in chemistry, and that Jeongyeon and her actually had a lot in common.

At the mention of Jeongyeon, Sana’s cheeks grew hot in a way that only she would notice. A slight flush of her cheeks that if you knew Sana’s natural complexion then you may realize, but nobody did.

Sana didn’t know why this happened whenever she was mentioned, but she was sick of it. She told Jihyo and Nayeon that she would meet them in homeroom and rushed off to the closest bathroom.

She grabbed some paper towels and wet them under the sink and held them to her face. At that moment, someone walked out of one of the 3 stalls, the only one that had been closed when Sana walked in. She had been too busy worrying about her face to check if the bathroom was empty.

Out walked, Hirai Momo, the captain of the dance team. She had her hair up in a high ponytail with her dark ash bangs barely covering her eyes. She had on the same uniform as Sana, a green polo, plaid skirt, and sweatshirt, but somehow managed to look like anything but a schoolgirl. Her face even glistened in the horrible yellow lighting of the bathroom.

Sana hardly realized she had been staring at Momo for a solid minute, meanwhile Momo washed her hands, dried them off and had left the bathroom by the time Sana processed what just went on. She looked in the mirror and well this time, her face was flushed, in an obvious way. Sana dismissed it and ran to homeroom before the final bell rung.

When she got to homeroom, Jihyo was looking at Sana with the most confused expression,

“What had taken you so long in the bathroom?? Making out with someone ;) ” Jihyo joked.

Nayeon busted out laughing but Sana could do nothing more than give a fake smile.

“What’s up with you Sana” Nayeon blurted, “did we do something to upset you?”.

“No, sorry I’m just having an off day that’s all”.

Before they could ask anymore questions, the announcements started, and Sana had time to think over what just happened in the bathroom. She was confused. She had hardly ever talked to Momo, so what was this feeling she was having. She must really want to be her friend?

_Whatever, I will just avoid her for now._ Sana thought to herself.

Her first class was English and they were working on project on social justice. Their assignment was to focus on one social justice problem and make a 5 minute presentation on it and explain ways to resolve the problem. Sana had chosen to do hers on the gender wage gap since as the years had gone on she had grew to be more infuriated by the sexism in this world.

Ms. H decided it would be a good idea to have everyone share what their topic will be. They were going in alphabetical order, so Sana’s would be around the middle. The first few people went and had typical topics like climate change, animal cruelty, and racism.

Then she heard Ms. H say a name that caught her attention, Hirai Momo. Sana watched as Momo stood up at her chair and explained that she would be doing her project on lgtbq rights, and that she is a huge advocate because her older brother is gay.

Sana was shocked to say the least. Never would she have expected the dance team captain to be so vocal about her life and beliefs. She had seen at her church a few times, so she did not quite expect this.

Sana felt relieved as the next person talked about their project. Something in her felt weird about Momo’s topic. If Momo wasn’t gay, why would she do that topic if she could do anything? Sana couldn’t explain what this feeling was.

**

Eventually it was Sana’s turn to share her topic and it passed without any conflict. And by the time she knew it, class was over, and she was packing up her things to go to scripture class. But just as she was getting up, she saw black vans out of the corner of her eye. She looked up to see Momo looking right at her.

“I noticed you made a weird face when I shared my topic. Are we gonna have a problem with that” Momo whispered.

Sana could not believe what was happening. She quickly said “no, not at all” but before saying anything more, Momo had already started off to her next class…

Which just so happened to be scripture class with.. Sana.

Sana felt like she had to explain herself to Momo and why she had that reaction, which she did not think anyone would notice. So she sat herself right behind Momo which happened to be a seat near the back of the room luckily.


	4. The closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> v short chapter but had to get some kissing in. reminder that this writing is purely for fun for me and a way to express my thoughts, so there a plenty of errors and mistakes. I am also in no way a writer, so my descriptions arent great. but if you dont care about that then go ahead and read.

Once class ended, Sana decided to pull Momo aside and settle this whole situation. Sana dragged Momo down the hall and opened the first door she saw, which just so happened to be a janitor’s closet, filled with brooms and mops. 

It was dark inside, and Momo was angry that Sana was wasting her time over this, she reached around trying to find the doorknob while Sana stumbled around trying to find the lightswitch, but when Sana eventually flipped the lightswitch on, she found herself merely inches away from Momo’s face. 

Sana found herself leaning in even more, so close to Momo’s face that she could smell her minty breath. 

Momo was always chewing gum in class, and Sana had never wandered what it would be like to be so close she could smell it, but now she wanted nothing more. 

Momo didn’t back away as Sana’s face grew closer and closer to hers. Their lips nearly touching. Sana’s lips eventually became one with Momo’s and she felt Momo returning the pressure. Sana’s hand reached around momo’s head, so she could run her hands through Momo’s silky black hair.   
Sana felt Momo’s hand slowly creep down her back and eventually land on the small of her waist. 

Sana never knew that kissing a girl could make her feel this good. She suddenly felt Momo’s hand reaching under Sana’s shirt and grasping at the clasps of her bra, and she was finally brought back to reality, and the fact that they were in a random janitor’s closet in their catholic high school and a teacher could walk by and hear the commotion inside and find these TWO GIRLS making out. 

Sana pulled back, gasping for air, not only because of the kissing, but because her anxiety was running so high from the fact that she had not only just kissed a girl, but had kissed Momo. 

Who she didn’t even know was gay…  
Did Sana even know if she was gay??? What was she thinking?

Before Sana had time to go deep down the hole of denial, Momo mumbled something that Sana could hardly hear but sounded like   
“gotta go to class, lets talk later” and reached to open the door and was gone before Sana could even say anything more than “b-bye”.


End file.
